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I’m looking for a wife. I have finally surrendered and admit I cannot do it alone. Here are the qualifications:

Wake up at 6:30 each morning and prepare nutritious delicious breakfast that may be rejected with loud groans.

Pack 2 nutritious but pleasing lunches that may or may not come home eaten.

Nag  Encourage 2 kids until they dress, brush their teeth, put on their shoes and socks and get in the car.

Feed 3 dogs, guarding the 18 year old while he eats so the other 2 won’t take it.

Change the 18 year old dogs diaper, give him his meds (all natural and expensive so don’t waste!) and eye drops. A different kind of drop for each eye.

Did I mention you have to go upstairs and carry the 18 year old dog down and take outside to pee?

Put the other 2 dogs in the dog area – this involves chasing the little one around the car as he does not like to be put in dog area.

Make sure both kids have their fish oil, vitamin and essential oils on them.

Before leaving for school ask kids if they remembered their back packs, homework, lunches and of course ask Taran if he remembered his shoes. (Yes, we have gotten to school without them more than once…he is 10)

Drive kids to school. – Opps – in between the above you need to shower, dress, brush your teeth, make coffee, and maybe get breakfast. (Don’t forget your vitamins!)

Pray with kids in car and BREATHE… while your daughter chats on about what day of the week it is and how you have to be wrong it can’t be “Tuesday.” Mediate or ignore as the kids fight over this and a myriad of other inane topics. (Turn the music up)

Depending on day you need to , take the 18 year old to the vet for his check ins, grocery shop, pick up dog food, or any other house errands.

On lucky days you may get to attend Bible study or book group. Of course you will have to accept the fact that at these two events you will always look like you just crawled out of bed while moms with teenagers look like they had a chance to put on makeup and jewelry. (Shower too!)

Next you will head home to tackle more laundry. While folding clothes you may think about how to get rid of that smell in the laundry room you just can’t locate.

While putting away the clean clothes you will need to gather up off the floor dirty and maybe even clean clothes and stuff in baskets to be washed. Straighten the bedrooms, pick up any dog poop the 18 year old dog may have left in Taran’s room, (He just loves to poop there!) and thank God for the “Little Green Machine” spot carpet cleaner.

Grab up an armful of items that need to be carried downstairs and throw in another load of laundry.

You will now need to clean up the kitchen from breakfast. (Did I mention that you need to guard the food from the big dog?) Take out the garbage and wipe down the counters.

You deserve lunch now. Nothing fancy, just some deli meat on a rice cake. (Oh! You are gluten free and dairy free now!)

Energized from lunch you take the dogs for a walk. (Get used to carrying bags of poop on your walks)

After your home you try you’re hardest to get that laundry caught up and the house picked up. (Not cleaned just picked up, you don’t have time to clean it today….most days.)

It’s now time to pick up the kids from school. Oh..did I mention that during your day you will be on and off the phone with various friends wanting advice, to vent or just “Catch up?”  You need to multi task.

Pick up the kids from school and ask them the 3 standard questions. (Make sure you bring a healthy snack!)

  1. What was something you loved about today?
  2. How did you help someone today?
  3. What is one thing in your life you are thankful for today?

Of course the answers will depend on the mood of the kids. “I’m reading, leave me alone.” “I don’t want to talk.” Or on good days you will get some pretty cool answers!

Your job is to be cheerful and encouraging no matter what the responses are. Good luck.

Now there are after school activities, Monday is O.T. Homework Club, Tuesday is Cub scouts, Wednesday is Tutor and dance, Thursday is Ballet and Lego and Friday is Piano.

You can bring a book and read in the car if you like, or run that errand you couldn’t get done earlier.

Home to make dinner and block the pantry door as the kids try to get something to ruin their dinner.

Feed dogs again while making dinner and listen to one kid practice the trumpet and the other the piano and dream of the day it will be beautiful music.

Answer the door bell a zillion times as the neighbor kids want to play, or just ignore it like I do sometimes.

Send the kids outside to play while you finish making dinner.

Serve a delicious, healthy dinner to which one kid while say, “I’m not eating that!” and the other will just start crying, “Why can’t I just have butter noodles!”

Try your best to make the dinner conversation a wonderful family time while one child try’s to read and the other one won’t stop talking. You need to be the referee….all the time.

Clean up the dishes and kitchen while the kids finish up homework and run upstairs for their allotted screen time before bed.

You will need to listen to Peter tell you about his day while you are cleaning up, you won’t understand much of what he says, (it’s all in geek code). You need to nod and make noises like you understand and are listening. While keeping an ear out for the kids and what they are watching upstairs.

At 7:20 the dishes are done and now you head up stairs to turn off the television and begin the bedtime sequence. Brush teeth, put on jammies, pick up rooms, clean up any toys scattered. This may seem easy but you need to stay on top both the kids and it takes anywhere from a half to a full hour.

Snuggle the kids in bed and read to the younger one. Snuggle the older one and ask about the book he is reading and remind him of lights out time.

Relax… you earned this time off. Its 8:30 and opps! You need to find the 18 year old dog and change his diaper. Make sure the other 2 dogs go outside to potty and then head up to your room to relax.

Of course there is a good chance the younger child is waiting for you in your bed convinced she had a nightmare already. While you are talking her back to bed the older one comes in and declares it’s not fair why is the younger one in mom’s room!

Get them both to bed and get ready yourself. It’s about 9 now and you will be too tired to read. You may be able to enjoy a favorite television show. Crawl into bed and enjoy!

Oh, you will need to familiarize yourself with the pause button on the remote as you will spend the next hour pausing your show while you escort kids back to bed. This is called the “jack in the box” hour.

Make sure you get to bed early as you will be woken up several times during the night by the 18 year old dog who wants off the bed to get a drink, pee, and poop whatever. Plus the kids will wake up with nightmares and end up either in bed with you or on the floor next to you.

Guess what! You get to wake up and do it all again!

Pay will be……..umm…..let’s see…..what is the going rate……..  Did I mention this is all done for the love you have for my family?

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